Many mornings of the week Dr. Isis attends some kind of morning seminar/report/conference-type affair. These things often start at the God-awful hour of 7:30 am, so Dr. Isis grabs her coffee on the way in so that she can be fully caffeinated and alert.
Figure 1: Precious, Dr. Isis's sweet, sweet precious.
The problem, my sweet puppies, is that by 30 minutes in I usually have to pee like you would not believe. In fact, as I type this, I am sitting in morning conference, attempting to look like I am working on something very important, having to pee so badly that I can barely see straight.
Now, you might think the solution to my problem is easy -- avoid the coffee before morning meetings. That, my darling lambs, is simply not an option. You might as well ask Dr. Isis to stop breathing or wearing totally hot shoes. After being up in the middle of the night with Baby Isis, it's simply not going to happen.
Figure 2: Bolo Viorna Tailored Pump. $79.99 at Like.com. That's marked down from $220.00.
And I realize now that if I had a penis, I could solve my problem and return my concentration to morning conference. You see, as a woman, not peeing yourself in the middle of morning conference is entirely determined by the strength of your will. There is not an external apparatus from which we urinate. A man, however, has an appendage and, if I had one too, I could totally re-engineer it so that I wouldn't wet myself in front of my colleagues.
Figure 2: If Dr. Isis had a penis, she could put a curved hemostat around the little hole and mechanically keep herself from peeing herself in morning conference. This would remove her willpower from the equation. Left panel - The curved hemostat. Right panel - Anatomy of the penis with the red arrow indicating the placement of the hemostat.
I always knew men had is easier in academia, but I think some of the reasons why might be much less complex than I previously thought.
Morning conference is finally over and Dr. Isis is off to pee, vote, and bake a lemon tart.
12 comments:
As someone of the penis-endowed persuasion, let me assure you that it is not quite as simple as you imagine. In addition, what you imagine would be a tiny bit, um, uncomfortable. To say the least.
I would just get up and go. For heaven's sakes, if most of your colleagues are male, they already know that women pee every 45 minutes on the dot. (Just talk to them about taking car trips with women, and you'll see.)
Get one of those lovely appendages developed for women in Antarctica (I'd supply a picture if I had one), and take a "water bottle" in with you.
Ummmm, ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!
Would also be useful when kayaking. Open water crossings and paddling close to cliffs with no landing spots are not fun sometimes!
See!?! Now Cath is thinking outside the box (no pun intended)!
The difference being that it is easier (although less socially acceptable) to use a plastic adaptor to pee into a bottle in a seminar than in a kayak...
That hemostat could also serve as a very effective form of birth control, with multiple modes of prevention.
Word verification word: tatorad. Now I am fairly certain they are messing with us.
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A possible solution that may work for Dr. I. in the future.
Hey ... it makes about as much sense as her solution does..!!
...tom...
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Isis the Scientist said...
See!?! Now Cath is thinking outside the box (no pun intended)!
Hmm, perhaps a "cath" with that hemostat? (With all due apologies to cath@vwxynot?)
Unfortunately catheters can be pretty damned uncomfortable, and I wouldn't think most women would want to self-insert one....
If it will get Dr. Isis through morning report without having to leave to pee, I am all about it.
Dr. Isis, I am a female and do not have this problem. I go to the bathroom at work at most two times a day, usually only once a day. I would say even 3x a workday is not disruptive.
Having a weiner would probably help one succeed in academia nonetheless.
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